Just thoughts in one of my emotional blue nights

I'm wondering about many things right now. All these thoughts are coming to me again, blurring my sight. Confusing me.

Today I question my fears, and my attitudes and my wishes. I know it seems non-sense what I'm writing right now, but I guess we all reach some point in our life paths where we fill crazy.

I want to say that it's not that I don't want to. In fact, I do, I've asked for it many many times.
But I want it different. I want it unconventional, and crazy, and full of joy. I don't want to pretend that it's there. I want to feel it. I want to live according to it 'cause it will be real for me every second of my life.

I don't know why I forget. I don't know why I get away. If only I've stood up for it... it would be different for me now. I wouldn't feel like how I'm feeling right now.

I'm afraid of messing up everything. I know I move in a level where emotions are hard to deal with, 'cause I lose control of them some of the times. I wish I could be less emotional and more settled.

You know? Sometimes my little world collapses, and I see myself, and I don't like some of the things I see. And it's not because I'm blue tonight, and it's not because I'm sad tonight. These thought has been a constant companion for a while.

And then, there's people who hurt me and don't even know it. Or perhaps they do know, but are too blind and proud to even care. I want to forgive them and forget. And I will. 'Cause I will focus in overcoming all these.

I'm trying to do this right. I'm afraid of making mistakes, walking the wrong path... I know sounds foolish but it's just that there hasn't been easy for them and I want a miracle for me...I want to be happy, I want to be strong, I want to be wise, I want to help others, I want life inside, joy, fullfillness. I'm trying to gather as many points of view as I can, but what I really want is peace, that I'm doing the right thing.

I don't want things to be easy, 'cause i have always thought that easy things are under valued but I don't want things to be messy either.

I mean, how (with all of what I am) will I ever going to acomplish what You said to me long ago?
How? Am I good material for that? I don't feel like I am. I've never felt like I am good material for that. But I'm willing to find out. Just, help me out here. It's not going to be easy...